Jerome Lawrence, News Editor

F.D.A. Approves Cooties Vaccine

In a major decision yesterday, and one that surprised many industry-watchers, the U.S. Food & Drug Administration approved the much publicized Cooties Vaccine, first announced in April 2012 by pharmaceutical giant fPizer PillCorp, Inc. The prospect of a permanent cure for Cooties, the world’s oldest known sexually-transmitted disease, created a media frenzy two years ago,…

Ranch-Flavored Vandalism Hits Ottawa County

Samuel Heimenberg, a 55-year-old local resident, and a carpenter who recently opened Heimenberg Plumbing on Mercury Drive, became the latest victim in a spate of recent vandalistic crimes.  Upon leaving his home in Robinson Township for work yesterday, Heimenberg was shocked to find all the windows of his car covered with a smooth and creamy substance,…

Meteorologist Trapped in WZZM13 Weather-Deck Collapse Rescued by WOTV StormTeam8

Emergency workers, gathered friends & family, as well as the thousands of concerned folks holding an all-night candlelight vigil for WZZM13 meteorologist Lance Doppler, breathed a collective sigh of relief just before dawn this morning, when WOTV’s StormTeam8 arrived on the scene and staged a dramatic rescue.  Members of the elite squad raced from their…

Kite Festival Melee Turns Into Fracas – Police Intervention Prevents Brouhaha

Again this year, tragedy, or certainly severe unpleasantness, struck the annual Kite Festival held at The Grand Haven State Park (conveniently located in Grand Haven), when a melee erupted between two rival kiter-gangs. This traditionally tranquil event, usually a fun, safe, family-values-type-outing, has in recent years become a seething hot-bed of rivalries between the ever-growing…

96-Year-Old Japanese Soldier Found Behind Butch’s Beach Burritos

Owners and employees at Butch’s Beach Burritos in Grand Haven were as surprised as anyone else in town to discover a 96-year-old Japanese soldier from World War II living behind their popular establishment.  When part-time burrito-wrapper Jason Sunderson took a bag of trash to the dumpster behind the restaurant, he saw an elderly man trapped under…

Dairy-Treat Shares Plummet On News Of Waffle-Cone Shortage

Wall Street investors were left reeling today, after an early morning plunge in Ice-Cream-Futures led to an afternoon collapse in share prices across the entire Ice-Cream Industry, with Coldstone, Haagen Dazs and Dairy-Treat all losing more than 35% of their market valuation in less than three hours.  Analysts and Traders stood helplessly by as news of…

Kent County Invokes 1930 ‘Magnitude Protection Act’ Over Magnitude of Pothole Problem

Amidst a growing public outcry over the magnitude of Kent County’s pothole problem, and the generally substandard condition of its roads, Kent Count Commissioners voted last night to officially invoke legal protection under the State of Michigan’s 1930 Magnitude Protection Act.  A press release issued by County Officials this morning states: “The magnitude of our most…