NEWS

Clover Bar Announces Takeover of Fricano’s Pizza

In a move that immediately created shockwaves, followed by a number of ripples and several strong reverberations across the western Michigan area, Clover Bar has announced a takeover of Fricano’s Pizza, effective immediately; abruptly ending the Grand Haven ‘pizza war’ that has divided local pizza-lovers for half a century. Because devotees of the two establishments…

F.D.A. Approves Cooties Vaccine

In a major decision yesterday, and one that surprised many industry-watchers, the U.S. Food & Drug Administration approved the much publicized Cooties Vaccine, first announced in April 2012 by pharmaceutical giant fPizer PillCorp, Inc. The prospect of a permanent cure for Cooties, the world’s oldest known sexually-transmitted disease, created a media frenzy two years ago,…

Ranch-Flavored Vandalism Hits Ottawa County

Samuel Heimenberg, a 55-year-old local resident, and a carpenter who recently opened Heimenberg Plumbing on Mercury Drive, became the latest victim in a spate of recent vandalistic crimes.  Upon leaving his home in Robinson Township for work yesterday, Heimenberg was shocked to find all the windows of his car covered with a smooth and creamy substance,…

Meteorologist Trapped in WZZM13 Weather-Deck Collapse Rescued by WOTV StormTeam8

Emergency workers, gathered friends & family, as well as the thousands of concerned folks holding an all-night candlelight vigil for WZZM13 meteorologist Lance Doppler, breathed a collective sigh of relief just before dawn this morning, when WOTV’s StormTeam8 arrived on the scene and staged a dramatic rescue.  Members of the elite squad raced from their…

The Times Hits 100,000 Page Views in 43 Hours

I’d like to share this good news with all of you.  I’ve just been informed by our Technical Team that the GrandRiverTimes.net website has had over 100,000 page views since going online 43 hours ago. This is celebratory news, so I’m giving the staff an extra break to hit the bathroom, grab another coffee, really…

Kite Festival Melee Turns Into Fracas – Police Intervention Prevents Brouhaha

Again this year, tragedy, or certainly severe unpleasantness, struck the annual Kite Festival held at The Grand Haven State Park (conveniently located in Grand Haven), when a melee erupted between two rival kiter-gangs. This traditionally tranquil event, usually a fun, safe, family-values-type-outing, has in recent years become a seething hot-bed of rivalries between the ever-growing…

96-Year-Old Japanese Soldier Found Behind Butch’s Beach Burritos

Owners and employees at Butch’s Beach Burritos in Grand Haven were as surprised as anyone else in town to discover a 96-year-old Japanese soldier from World War II living behind their popular establishment.  When part-time burrito-wrapper Jason Sunderson took a bag of trash to the dumpster behind the restaurant, he saw an elderly man trapped under…

Dairy-Treat Shares Plummet On News Of Waffle-Cone Shortage

Wall Street investors were left reeling today, after an early morning plunge in Ice-Cream-Futures led to an afternoon collapse in share prices across the entire Ice-Cream Industry, with Coldstone, Haagen Dazs and Dairy-Treat all losing more than 35% of their market valuation in less than three hours.  Analysts and Traders stood helplessly by as news of…

Rampaging Daffodils Mar Tulip Festival

The annual Tulip Festival in Holland, Michigan was struck by tragedy this week, when rampaging and un-pruned Daffodils destroyed thousands of late-blooming Tulips before Police and event organizers could contain the errant flowers.  Hundreds of visiting tourists, which included more than a dozen bus-loads of senior citizens, witnessed the horticultural massacre from close range.  “It was…

Kent County Invokes 1930 ‘Magnitude Protection Act’ Over Magnitude of Pothole Problem

Amidst a growing public outcry over the magnitude of Kent County’s pothole problem, and the generally substandard condition of its roads, Kent Count Commissioners voted last night to officially invoke legal protection under the State of Michigan’s 1930 Magnitude Protection Act.  A press release issued by County Officials this morning states: “The magnitude of our most…