City Council Approves Grand Haven’s First ‘Adult’ Toy Store In Nearly Half A Century

nook-crannies-storyNooks & Crannies, the long-vacant Jackson Street property now under new ownership, will soon re-open as an adult toy store and dispensary of relationship enhancement equipment; Grand Haven’s first such establishment in more than forty years. In a special City Council session called on short-notice Thursday evening, Council Members voted to approve a permit for the town’s first sex-shop since The Pussycat’s Sandbox was closed amidst public outrage and brisk sales in 1969. The City Council has rejected many applications during the intervening years, most recently voting down a 2009 proposal for opening a shop called The Naughty Monkey in the Chinook Pier shopping center, and many observers attribute Thursday night’s reversal of precedent to the swing-vote of recently elected Council Member Natasha Kumonski, the outspoken and controversial critic of localized prudishness.

Following the landmark vote, local entrepreneur Adam Vanderwanken, 36, together with his wife and business partner Evelynnne, 52, celebrated on the steps outside City Hall, smiling and waving their freshly signed Permit like holders of a Willy Wonka Golden Ticket, about to realize their dream of re-opening Nooks & Crannies as a full-service retailer of adult sex-toys and intimate-relationship-enhancement-tools, including all the creams, gels, ointments and skin patches that any happy and well-adjusted couple could ever require. “People say you can’t fight City Hall”, enthused Adam, “But the City Council gave us a very happy ending, and now we can really get to work opening up Nooks & Crannies for everyone’s pleasure.”

While it remains to be seen how the Council’s decision will be received by local residents and other downtown merchants, reaction from local activist-group the Morally Indignant Liberty Foundation (MILF) has been swift and negative, with spokesman Floyd Lawson speaking to The Times from MILF’s ongoing protest at the Tri-Cities LMAO. “Those sex people can call something an ‘aid’ or ‘enhancement tool’ or whatever they want”, says Lawson, “But the truth is that once you let a battery-operated, vibrating sex toy into this town, or a pair of fur-lined handcuffs, it will be a very slippery slope into outright decadence.”

The Vanderwankens are sensitive to such concerns, but are quick to counter them with assurances that Nooks & Crannies will be “classy, discreet and eco-friendly”, offering only high-quality and thoroughly-tested devices which meet the rigorous standards prescribed by OSHA and The FDA. Between now and the Grand Opening being planned for mid-October, Adam and Evelynnne will hold two public forums at the Community Center, where Grand Haven residents can ask questions, voice concerns, and pick up a complimentary tote bag filled with a variety of free product-samples. The Vanderwankens hope their pro-active, hands-on approach towards any community tensions which may arise will lead to a satisfying conclusion for all concerned, and help make Nooks & Crannies a welcome and valuable addition to the Tri-Cities area.

 

(Please ‘Like’ us on Facebook or follow us on Twitter to stay abreast of breaking news.)

Share Button

  12 comments for “City Council Approves Grand Haven’s First ‘Adult’ Toy Store In Nearly Half A Century

  1. Nicole porter
    August 25, 2014 at 6:45 pm

    My parents are current owners of the building and the previous nooks & Crannies although these “news “articles are meant to be a joke . They will not take kindly to this article do to the nature of it . ( adult sex store ) people have already been asking me if this is true . They will not take kindly to anything that would harm their reputation in town or their ability to sell the building as it is currently still up for sale .

    • Chad Gitchel
      August 26, 2014 at 12:24 pm

      Probably make it more valuable being the only building approved for such a business. I welcome it! 🙂

  2. G Kamaniwanalaya
    August 26, 2014 at 3:08 am

    Well done. Very satisfying.

  3. DannyT
    August 26, 2014 at 10:04 am

    Seriously Nicole? That property has been vacant and on the market for more than a year, so unless that building was the site of a gruesome murder, or it’s haunted, the only reason it’s still For Sale is that the ASKING PRICE IS TOO HIGH. But you want to slide the blame for that onto a satirical article that didn’t even exist three days ago, and will only be read by a tiny percentage of people? Your comment is funnier than the article…

    • Andrew
      August 27, 2014 at 12:26 am

      I was almost fooled until I saw what site it was on :(. Nicole, I hope this building gets turned into, either, Grand Havens first legal whore house or a meeting place for West Michigans first chapter of “the church of the smiling vagina”. If you’re parents are such tight assed panty wastes like your comment assumed, this would be a fresh breath of fishy stanky air.

  4. Kathy Berg
    August 26, 2014 at 5:54 pm

    I wonder if that six-pack we stashed in the back room when that building was still Johnson’s Grocery (circa 1966) is still hidden? That would go great with the new “establishment”! It used to be rumored that you could buy just about anything at Johnson’s, as long as you knew the secret code word!

  5. Chris D
    September 2, 2014 at 2:31 am

    Grand Haven is a wholesome Christian community! Do you see how many churches there are in this town???? Come on people! Are we really going to STOOP to Muskegon’s level? Sex shops in this cute little town have no place here, sex is not a business in Grand Haven. Most of us are retired rich folk that don’t even have sex with eachother anymore. We are civilized important people that have every right to keep our town a swanky rich town, not a trashy sex shop having town. I make over $3oo,000 a year and have a beautiful home near the proposed site of this atrocity and the value and equity of my home would be in great jeopardy if this hussy whore house in training is opened. I am starting a petition against this horrific nightmare TOMORROW and will be downtown gathering signatures for the following weeks, please come down to sign. I will be the one loudly chanting “No Nooks and Crannies in a town full of Grannies!” Hope to see you on the corner of Washington and Harbor in front of Kirby for a signature to this wonderful cause. My retirement fund is depending on this!

    • murdermitten
      October 3, 2014 at 11:34 pm

      wooeeee you make 300k a year damn had to throw that one in there. grand haven is not some rich town. granted quite a few have money a majority are middle class families. poverty or rich who gives a fuck grand haven sucks and growing up here makes people just as sheltered and stuck up as you are coming off. which is why 90% of kids coming out of hs cant wait to get out of this stuck up bitchy town where no one can take a fucking joke without crying about how “were gonna ruin our quaint little grand haven”. and to who said were gonna stoop to muskegons level is just an asshole. Muskegon has it’s beautiful parts and ruff parts that’s just what a big diverse city is like. Been to Grand Rapids? beautiful city aswell, and it has sex shops. if there’s a market sell it, that’s what being an entrepreneur is all about. now I’m just ranting and you probably don’t give a shit because I’m 18 and have an open mind to the real world but hey, stay in grand haven, keep workin for that 300k because atleast you can brag about it right?

      • Ruth
        October 28, 2014 at 2:24 pm

        Murdermitten, Chris D. was writing that tongue in cheek. That’s what this website is, a parody/spoof/lampoon/satire. I love it.

      • Sonnyboy
        October 28, 2014 at 2:26 pm

        Watch the language, murdermitten. There’s no need to be crude.

  6. barkbark
    September 9, 2014 at 10:34 am

    Adam Vanderwanken

    I think I knew him when I was about 13……same guy? Don’t see him much anymore.

  7. william
    August 16, 2015 at 5:17 am

    I believe it would sale in this small town,if people buy the sex toy. Because grand haven is
    grow too look at grand haven township.

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *