In a major decision yesterday, and one that surprised many industry-watchers, the U.S. Food & Drug Administration approved the much publicized Cooties Vaccine, first announced in April 2012 by pharmaceutical giant fPizer PillCorp, Inc. The prospect of a permanent cure for Cooties, the world’s oldest known sexually-transmitted disease, created a media frenzy two years ago, but the FDA has, until now, withheld its approval over concerns about the side-effects recorded during the first human-trials in early 2013. According to yesterday’s Press Release, the FDA has determined that, “Side-effects associated with the new drug fall predominantly within a range of risk and severity that are considered reasonably safe when weighed against the vast amounts of money to be made, and the potentially enormous cultural and societal benefits we stand to gain by making this drug available to all who need it.”
Cooties-sufferers, and the loved ones who for so long have had to keep a safe distance, rejoiced at what has been called a ‘bold’ decision by the FDA, coming as it does against the advice of leading scientists, activist-groups and the American Medical Association. Not since President Dwight D. Eisenhower first announced a national War on Cooties in his 1956 State of The Union address have Cootie-carriers had so much reason to feel hopeful. Since that time, Cooties has continued to spread, and Cooties-sufferers have faced a 50-year emotional rollercoaster ride, as one hopeful scientific breakthrough after another failed to find a cure for the disease.
Although Cooties is rarely fatal (less than 5% of those infected die from the disease), it is nevertheless a debilitating, disruptive and emotionally painful condition to the estimated 68 million Americans who carry the active Cootie virus. Not only does the disease contribute to the onslaught of Eczema, Seborrhea and Psoriasis, but it is also known to cause cognitive impairment in making relationship decisions and a diminished capacity to distinguish between ‘platonic’ and ‘romantic’ friendships; resulting in public shame and embarrassment, which often leads to rejection by friends and business colleagues.
Doctors will start administering the Cooties-Vaccine within thirty days, and the FDA is releasing the full list of potential side-effects in two parts, so that prospective patients for the drug can fully understand the risks of this otherwise miraculous cure in more manageable installments. Side-Effects Exhibit A is listed below: