F.D.A. Approves Cooties Vaccine

cooties-fda-storyIn a major decision yesterday, and one that surprised many industry-watchers, the U.S. Food & Drug Administration approved the much publicized Cooties Vaccine, first announced in April 2012 by pharmaceutical giant fPizer PillCorp, Inc. The prospect of a permanent cure for Cooties, the world’s oldest known sexually-transmitted disease, created a media frenzy two years ago, but the FDA has, until now, withheld its approval over concerns about the side-effects recorded during the first human-trials in early 2013. According to yesterday’s Press Release, the FDA has determined that, “Side-effects associated with the new drug fall predominantly within a range of risk and severity that are considered reasonably safe when weighed against the vast amounts of money to be made, and the potentially enormous cultural and societal benefits we stand to gain by making this drug available to all who need it.”

Cooties-sufferers, and the loved ones who for so long have had to keep a safe distance, rejoiced at what has been called a ‘bold’ decision by the FDA, coming as it does against the advice of leading scientists, activist-groups and the American Medical Association. Not since President Dwight D. Eisenhower first announced a national War on Cooties in his 1956 State of The Union address have Cootie-carriers had so much reason to feel hopeful. Since that time, Cooties has continued to spread, and Cooties-sufferers have faced a 50-year emotional rollercoaster ride, as one hopeful scientific breakthrough after another failed to find a cure for the disease.

Original blueprint for the cootie-catcher with led to the Cooties Pandemic of 1952,

Original blueprint for the cootie-catcher with led to the Cooties Pandemic of 1952,

Although Cooties is rarely fatal (less than 5% of those infected die from the disease), it is nevertheless a debilitating, disruptive and emotionally painful condition to the estimated 68 million Americans who carry the active Cootie virus. Not only does the disease contribute to the onslaught of Eczema, Seborrhea and Psoriasis, but it is also known to cause cognitive impairment in making relationship decisions and a diminished capacity to distinguish between ‘platonic’ and ‘romantic’ friendships; resulting in public shame and embarrassment, which often leads to rejection by friends and business colleagues.

Doctors will start administering the Cooties-Vaccine within thirty days, and the FDA is releasing the full list of potential side-effects in two parts, so that prospective patients for the drug can fully understand the risks of this otherwise miraculous cure in more manageable installments. Side-Effects Exhibit A is listed below:

Anxiety, clumsiness or unsteadiness, cough, paranoia, diarrhea or stomach cramps (severe or continuing), difficulty in swallowing, ear pain, a funny tickle in the inner-ear, increased amount of saliva, increased skin sensitivity, lack of coordination, loss of bladder control, bladder pain, burning feeling in the chest or stomach, carpal tunnel syndrome, burning, crawling, itching, numbness, prickling, “pins and needles”, or tingling feelings, cloudy or bloody urine, dizziness, increased frequency of urination, indigestion, pain on urination, stomach upset, hangnails, tenderness in the stomach area, abnormal vision, anxiety, behavior change similar to drunkenness, bleeding of the eye, blurred vision, bone pain, breast enlargement, chest pain, chills, cold sweats, confusion, convulsions (seizures), cool and pale skin, deafness or hearing loss, decrease in amount of urine or the frequency of urination, decreased vision, difficulty in concentrating, dizziness or lightheadedness, especially when getting up from a lying or sitting position suddenly, double vision, drowsiness, dry eyes, dry mouth dryness, redness, scaling, or peeling of the skin, excessive hunger, eye pain, fainting or faintness, fast, irregular, or pounding heartbeat, feeling of something in the eye, fever or chills, headache (severe or continuing), increase in the size of the pupil, increased sweating, increased thirst, lower back or side pain, migraine headache, nausea (severe or continuing), nervousness, nightmares, numbness of the hands, painful, swollen joints, prolonged, painful erection of penis, redness, burning, or swelling of the eyes, redness, itching, or tearing of the eyes, minor pains that don’t feel like pain, restless sleep, seeing shades of colors differently than before, sensitivity to light, shakiness, skin lesions with swelling, skin paleness, skin rash, hives, or itching, skin ulcers, slurred speech, sore throat, sudden weakness, swelling of the face, hands, feet, or lower legs, trouble breathing, twitching of the muscles, unusual feeling of burning or stinging of the skin, unusual tiredness or weakness, vision changes, vision loss, temporary blindness.
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  1 comment for “F.D.A. Approves Cooties Vaccine

  1. a
    June 21, 2014 at 11:39 pm

    Greetings! Very helpful advice within this article!
    It is the little changes that will make the largest changes.
    Many thanks for sharing!

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