Holland resident Margaret Bunster was forced to crawl three blocks back to her home Monday afternoon, after being physically ejected from her wheelchair by a masked assailant, who then ran off with her chair. The 76-year-old Mrs. Bunster made it home with only minor scrapes and bruises, before calling 911 for help. “My daughter’s been harping at me for years to get a cell phone”, said Margaret from the restful comfort of her recliner-lounger, “and I started to give that idea some serious thought while I was crawling home. But who steals a wheelchair, anyway? Who does that?!”
Unfortunately for City Officials and local Law Enforcement, Margaret Bunster is not the first to have her wheelchair jacked out from under her. Instead, she is the latest in a string of wheelchair-jackings that now total 27 in the last month. Officers from the City of Holland’s Public Safety Department have not yet established whether they are hunting for a single person or a co-ordinated group, but after Mrs. Bunster’s traumatic ordeal, they feel justified in calling their investigation a ‘manhunt’. “We’ve had weeks to put together theories about these crimes, and develop a psychological profile of our perpetrator, and we just don’t think a woman would do anything this depraved”, said Sergeant Sean McVanderPatrick at today’s Public Safety press briefing, “We’re convinced it has to be a man, or men, that we’re looking for, which is a big breakthrough, as we can eliminate 50% of our suspect-pool right away.”
Sgt. McVanderPatrick, well known locally as both keeper-of-the-peace and one of Holland’s few red-headed residents, explained that wheelchairs are likely being stolen for re-sale on eBay, or some shady Internet black-market. “It’s seriously unlikely that one physically-impaired person could possibly need this many wheelchairs”, says McVanderPatrick, “And these days, it seems there’s a black-market for anything and everything. It doesn’t matter how sick or disgusting something might be, there’s a thriving market for every kind of anti-social behavior, but we won’t rest until we’ve looked through all of it and can bring justice and closure to so many innocent victims.”
Authorities are asking residents to be especially vigilant, and on the look-out for anyone who might appear to have an over-accumulation of wheelchairs in their garage, or basement, or perhaps in the back of a truck or van. They also encourage all senior-citizens, or anyone needing special assistance, to make sure they have a cell phone, know how it works, and above all else, leave it turned on. These extra precautions are expected to remain in place until the wheelchair-jacker(s) can be apprehended.