Holland Police Launch Manhunt For Serial Wheelchair-Jacker

holland-wheechair-theftsHolland resident Margaret Bunster was forced to crawl three blocks back to her home Monday afternoon, after being physically ejected from her wheelchair by a masked assailant, who then ran off with her chair. The 76-year-old Mrs. Bunster made it home with only minor scrapes and bruises, before calling 911 for help. “My daughter’s been harping at me for years to get a cell phone”, said Margaret from the restful comfort of her recliner-lounger, “and I started to give that idea some serious thought while I was crawling home.  But who steals a wheelchair, anyway?  Who does that?!”

Unfortunately for City Officials and local Law Enforcement, Margaret Bunster is not the first to have her wheelchair jacked out from under her.  Instead, she is the latest in a string of wheelchair-jackings that now total 27 in the last month.  Officers from the City of Holland’s Public Safety Department have not yet established whether they are hunting for a single person or a co-ordinated group, but after Mrs. Bunster’s traumatic ordeal, they feel justified in calling their investigation a ‘manhunt’.  “We’ve had weeks to put together theories about these crimes, and develop a psychological profile of our perpetrator, and we just don’t think a woman would do anything this depraved”, said Sergeant Sean McVanderPatrick at today’s Public Safety press briefing, “We’re convinced it has to be a man, or men, that we’re looking for, which is a big breakthrough, as we can eliminate 50% of our suspect-pool right away.”

Sgt. McVanderPatrick, well known locally as both keeper-of-the-peace and one of Holland’s few red-headed residents, explained that wheelchairs are likely being stolen for re-sale on eBay, or some shady Internet black-market.  “It’s seriously unlikely that one physically-impaired person could possibly need this many wheelchairs”, says McVanderPatrick, “And these days, it seems there’s a black-market for anything and everything.  It doesn’t matter how sick or disgusting something might be, there’s a thriving market for every kind of anti-social behavior, but we won’t rest until we’ve looked through all of it and can bring justice and closure to so many innocent victims.”

Authorities are asking residents to be especially vigilant, and on the look-out for anyone who might appear to have an over-accumulation of wheelchairs in their garage, or basement, or perhaps in the back of a truck or van.  They also encourage all senior-citizens, or anyone needing special assistance, to make sure they have a cell phone, know how it works, and above all else, leave it turned on.  These extra precautions are expected to remain in place until the wheelchair-jacker(s) can be apprehended.

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  6 comments for “Holland Police Launch Manhunt For Serial Wheelchair-Jacker

  1. austen
    May 20, 2014 at 3:07 pm

    someone please explain to me why a woman had to crawl blocks home with not one person stopping to help

    • blondie
      May 21, 2014 at 12:22 pm


      • JR
        May 21, 2014 at 4:01 pm

        Someone needs to let Ms. Bunster know about that just opened new place “Honest Jamal’s Used Wheelchairs” lot. I’ve heard people have no trouble getting an exact replacement for their jacked wheels there.

        Isn’t it nice to see a new business thriving in the community and at the same time providing a needed public service when good innocent folks are most vulnerable.

        • May 21, 2014 at 4:03 pm

          See? This is what we like. Concerned folks jumping in to help other folks…thank you.

          • sisperamik@apsfalcons.net
            May 28, 2014 at 9:37 am

            The greatest newspaper since The Onion! Keep up the great work. My students just finished a satire unit in my CW class. We had some hearty laughs and learned a great deal from your newspaper. Thank you for your warped sense of humor!
            Creative Writing Teacher

          • May 28, 2014 at 9:59 am

            Thank you very much – and coming from a Creative Writing Teacher (a CWT as we call it in the trade), it’s a much better endorsement than the woman who called us “disgusting” and “pure trash”. At the same time, knowing there’s a CWT reading us is causing a certain typo-anxiety over what we may be missing under pressure of time…but I keep something for that in my bottom drawer.

            “What if The Onion and The Grand Haven Tribune had a love-child that nobody wanted…what might that look like?” That was the initial seed of the idea, but it could equally include National Lampoon (when they did a brilliant monthly printed magazine in the last century), or even Mad Magazine…or probably 100 other influences, but that would start to look too much like the side-effects list for a new drug…

            Now how about channeling all those creative students into helping us get our Facebook and Twitter numbers up!! Compliments are all well and good; now make yourselves useful! LOL. Thanks for taking the time to write. It’s much appreciated.

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