Grand Haven’s First ‘Adults-Only’ Resort Opens To Ecstatic Reviews & Waiting Lists

Kama-Sutra-Lodge-GRTcoverLast month’s Grand Opening of the Kama Sutra Lodge sparked some controversy and debate about the merits versus perils of having an ‘adults-only’ resort in Grand Haven, especially one that openly advertises an S&M Dungeon in its cellar called ‘The Pirate’s Pit’, but owner and manager Xaviera Hollander believes even the negative publicity helped Kama Sutra get their first summer started with a bang. “It’s true that some local residents are passionately aroused in opposition to our presence in town, but thanks to so much free publicity, we’re already getting visitors from Grand Rapids, Chicago, Detroit, and all over the country”, says Hollander, “And our Tantric Honeymoon Suite is so popular that it’s booked every Friday and Saturday night until October of 2018.”

When Kama Sutra Lodge first opened in May for Memorial Day weekend, and the Grand Haven Tribune Website crashed from the heavy volume of angry comments, Grand Haven’s Department of Public Safety raised its state of readiness to DEFCON 3 in anticipation of the feared outbreaks of violence or public indecency which might ensue. Such worries proved unfounded, however, as Kama Sutra’s first month passed largely without incident, although the Department of Public Safety has received a few complaints from nearby neighbors witnessing outdoor nudity in the lodge’s lush and lavish new Garden of Earthly Delights. Hollander insists these are minor incidents which have been blown out of proportion by the mainstream media, but has nevertheless posted signs asking guests to wear robes or clothing when walking between the Lodge and the Garden.

“Plenty of folks enjoy Extreme Sports”, says Xaviera in defense of an establishment catering to consenting adults and their private sexual fantasies, “and we like to think that Kama Sutra Lodge is like Extreme Vacationing for the sexually adventurous. It’s certainly not for everyone, but there’s nothing sleazy about what we’re doing, we’ve taken great care to make this a classy and tasteful establishment. We guarantee a completely private and sanitary experience. Every room is completely sound-proofed, and all the furnishings are coated with an industrial-strength Scotch-Guard that allows us to quickly clean each room with a disinfectant spray-gun. And our dinner buffet is so deliciously tactile and sensorial that it adds new meaning to the phrase all-you-can-eat. ”

Protests and controversies aside, some of Kama Sutra’s neighbors have welcomed the influx of new visitors to the area. According to Rosemary Woodhouse, Wiccan coven matron and co-owner of the Majestic Majesty Gift Shop, a short walk from the Lodge, “Our business has been booming since they opened, you’d be surprised at how many couples from the Lodge are buying body-paints and crystals and candles in order to enhance their Kama Sutra experience. Xaviera is a fascinating woman to meet, and has become such a good personal friend that we’re planning to work together on sponsoring a number of consciousness-expanding and spiritually-liberating local events.”

That first collaboration between Kama Sutra and Majestic Majesty will take place next month, when they invite the public to join them in celebrating The Feast of the Full Fertile Strawberry Moon during Grand Haven’s Coast Guard Festival. Event details will be provided via the Kama Sutra website and Facebook Page.

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  27 comments for “Grand Haven’s First ‘Adults-Only’ Resort Opens To Ecstatic Reviews & Waiting Lists

  1. Jill Roberts
    June 27, 2016 at 9:22 pm

    OMG. This is a good one. I am just glad it was just a plain old lodge when my teenage daughter worked there as a maid many years ago.

  2. Rebecca pitts
    June 27, 2016 at 10:12 pm

    I think it’s great…I hope it is a big success for the owner and employees.

  3. Suzi
    June 27, 2016 at 11:09 pm

    The industrial strength ScotchGuard was a nice touch!

  4. Sweetz
    June 27, 2016 at 11:19 pm

    Where is it located? ??

  5. Karen Ann Schaub
    June 28, 2016 at 5:57 am

    Would like to know the name of the website, please.

  6. Dan
    June 28, 2016 at 7:21 am

    website of the lodge?

    • June 28, 2016 at 7:23 am

      The sign says

      • Amanda
        July 2, 2016 at 7:39 pm

        How are people booking anything here? I looked on google, Facebook and yellow pages and find nothing. No website no contact info- nothing.

        • honeybear
          July 28, 2016 at 9:51 am

          Seriously…it was easy to find and a great place to stay!!

  7. Jack
    June 28, 2016 at 8:47 am

    With the lack of morals in this country nowadays I don’t find this surprising at all what I do find surprising is Xaviera Hollander is still alive she has to be around a hundred Christ sakes I’m sixty years old I read The Happy Hooker when I was 17

    • Joyce
      June 28, 2016 at 7:09 pm

      I was thinking the same thing. I also read her book years ago.

  8. Rick
    June 28, 2016 at 9:33 am

    WHAT’S NEXT???

    • Harry Harrison
      June 28, 2016 at 12:08 pm

      It is a good thing that only christian’s have a right in our fair country.

    • Kd
      June 28, 2016 at 1:58 pm

      I don’t even live in your country, not all people who embrace their sexuality,or there need to fulfill all their loved ones needs makes them an atheist! That makes laugh. I am a Christian who says you should read your Bible there are worst things going on!!!
      I hope they do real well, and I imagine it will also boost the sales in your area to!

    • CJH
      June 29, 2016 at 10:42 am

      So what’s the difference between people being true to themselves and experiencing with their fantasies and people who claim to be true Christians, hiding behind their closed doors secretly engaging in porno, daily drinking, and/or cheating on their spouses. Wake up and quit blaming everything on everyone else. Best of luck to the lodge.

    • Brian
      July 1, 2016 at 2:35 pm

      Yes how dare non Christians live where they please!

  9. Mudpie
    June 28, 2016 at 9:43 am


  10. Carla
    June 28, 2016 at 11:38 am

    I love the Kama Sutra lodge! I’m always running into someone I know from Church! 10/10 would recommend their membership packages as well as their members packages.

  11. Delite
    June 28, 2016 at 2:03 pm

    Now I do not have to travel out of town for universal expanding experiences.
    More time and money to spend right here. I am sure that in no time at all they will be expanding this site with an eye on the Christian Campground. Book all natural camping retreats loaded with all manner of sand and surf delights.

  12. Morning Star
    June 28, 2016 at 2:22 pm

    Satirical news article. Ppl this place doesnt actually exist.

  13. Brendon
    June 28, 2016 at 5:10 pm

    I love this place. I once took a Sasquatch there to share, and the party was amazing. Typically the clubs in larger cities do not have the appeal of this small town lodge, and I love the fact that you can get the whole group drunk on the local (and aptly named) Oddside Ales which they carry on tap (along with a locally produced KY Jelly called Arturo’s ‘HOT’ sauce) gives the frolicking a true Grand Haven flavor.

  14. Jon Crago
    June 29, 2016 at 10:56 am

    So the grand river times just posts fictitious articles and fake bullshit? I see no humor in this.
    Well that makes ignoring them easy. Stupid cunts.

    • Brendon
      June 29, 2016 at 6:55 pm

      You thought it was real? Even for a minute? Maybe you were just hoping this club was real BWAHAHA

  15. Laura
    June 29, 2016 at 5:05 pm

    Just so you know people…..this is satire news for our.entertaimmemt only ….not real news….it’s a joke

  16. Bradon
    June 29, 2016 at 11:57 pm

    I must live under a rock//? What do you do here? Is this a place for sex or something? ? Strange. …

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