Rampaging Daffodils Mar Tulip Festival

tulip-festival-storyThe annual Tulip Festival in Holland, Michigan was struck by tragedy this week, when rampaging and un-pruned Daffodils destroyed thousands of late-blooming Tulips before Police and event organizers could contain the errant flowers.  Hundreds of visiting tourists, which included more than a dozen bus-loads of senior citizens, witnessed the horticultural massacre from close range.  “It was awful to see those beautiful young tulips cut down like that”, said Claire Skeetstra, a 77-year-old Rockford woman visiting the Festival with her 82-year-old husband, Brian. “I always thought those Daffodils were such pretty things”, continued Skeetstra, “But the carnage was so disturbing that we went back to the bus for Brian’s oxygen tank and a pita-pocket packed lunch.”

Due to the prolonged Winter in Western Michigan this year, Officials knew the Tulips might not achieve full-bloomage in time for this year’s Tulip Festival, but they didn’t anticipate that the tougher, and more rugged Daffodils would turn aggressive and molest the smaller, weaker Tulips.  Police quickly pushed onlookers back to a safer distance and cordoned off the area, where a State Horticultural C.S.I. Team continues to investigate – the first time H.C.S.I. has been summoned for a Tulip Festival emergency since the now infamous Poison-Petal Crisis of 1953.

As images and video of the Daffodils’ killing spree began to circulate on the Internet, Festival Organizers worked to assure visitors that Holland has many beautiful Tulip beds and displays that are nowhere near any gangs of Daffodils, and now that local police and emergency services are on Alert, it is unlikely that any threatening Daffodil moves will go unnoticed for long.  Festival Spokesperson Eleanor Vanderfleur also stressed that, “Despite the horrific scenes some folks had to witness today, we shouldn’t forget that the vast majority of Daffodils are beautiful, peaceful flowers.  Today’s vicious and unprovoked attack was committed by a very small number of the total Daffodil population which grace our community and sit peacefully in the company of Tulips.”

Vanderfleur added that Saturday’s Tulip Parade will include a memorial to the Tulips lost today, lifes cut short so many days before their time, and a City-wide minute-of-silence will be observed tomorrow at exactly 11:18 am, the time of today’s attack.

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  4 comments for “Rampaging Daffodils Mar Tulip Festival

  1. Randy Bekins
    May 20, 2014 at 6:12 pm

    If you are going to make up Dutch names, please try not to use French words. Vanderfleur?? Come on!! Ha Ha!

  2. Randy Bekins
    May 20, 2014 at 6:12 pm

    If you are going to make up Dutch names, please try not to use French words. Vanderfleur?? Come on!! Ha Ha!

  3. Brenda Willis
    May 23, 2014 at 10:39 am

    I’ve heard of the War of the Roses, but the Daffodil-Tulip Skirmish? LOL! Good one!

  4. Dorothy Wordsworth
    May 23, 2014 at 9:49 pm

    The daffodils can go fuck themselves.
    I’m tired of their crowds, yellow ranting
    about the spastic sun that dines and shines
    and shines. How are they any different

    from me? I, too, have a big messy head
    on a fragile stalk. I spin with the wind.
    I flower and don’t apologize. There’s nothing
    funny about good weather. O, spring again,

    The critics nod. They know the old joy,
    that wakeful quotidian, the dark plot
    of future growing things, each one
    labeled Narcissus nobilis or Jennifer Chang.

    If I died falling from a helicopter, then
    this would be an important poem. Then
    the ex-boyfriends would swim to shore
    declaiming their knowledge of my bulbous

    youth. O, Flower, one said, why aren’t you
    meat? But I won’t be another bashful shank.
    The tulips have their nervous joie-de-vivre,
    the lilacs their taunt. Fractious petals, stop

    interrupting my poem with boring beauty.
    All the boys are in the field gnawing raw
    bones of ambition and calling it ardor. Who
    the hell are they? This is a poem about war.

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