With less than two days until Christmas, Santa Claus’s public meltdown on Twitter yesterday has given parents and children around the world good reason to fear there will be no Christmas toys this year, after Santa’s explicit threat to permanently ban Elves from the North Pole. In a series of angry and expletive-laden Tweets which began Tuesday at 4:30 pm E.S.T., the iconic toy-maker and joy-giver blasted everything from Reindeer to the Liberal Media, but it was the Elves who were subjected to Claus’s most scathing and offensive remarks (many of which are too profane for printing in a family newspaper, or even the Times).
Santa’s eighty-five million Twitter followers were initially confused or bemused to receive his post saying, “I hate the smell of reindeer sh*t in the morning”, and the Tweets immediately went viral as Santa proceeded to attack the entire Elf population, calling them “losers” and “disgusting and feckless little vermin”. As the Twitter-rant continued, filled with non sequiturs and often veering into incoherence, Claus made the shocking claim that, “All the best Elves are making cookies for those Keebler a**holes, and the North Pole gets stuck with the losers, and half of them are drug-dealing reindeer molesters.”
Civil Rights groups and prominent pro-Elf supporters were quick to condemn Santa’s comments, and Keebler is reportedly threatening a lawsuit for Slander & Defamation, but it was Claus’s final Tweet that has spread panic through households and Wall Street alike. “Enough is enough!!! No more f**king Elves within five hundred miles of the North Pole!!! Banned forever!!!” Even Santa’s own charitable foundation, Claus’s Cause, has called an emergency Executive Board Meeting to address the growing public relations crisis.
Santa has not been seen or heard from since last night, but his seventh and current wife Cheryl Claus made a brief appearance this morning, reading a prepared statement to the assembled media. “I want children everywhere to know that Santa wasn’t really Santa yesterday”, said Mrs. Claus before claiming that Santa has been suffering from nervous exhaustion, and his lapse in judgment resulted from a combination of prescription painkillers, unidentified amphetamines, and a triple dose of NyQuil. “Santa is now resting comfortably in our local hospital, and although he’s much more jolly this morning, doctors will not be allowing him to pilot a sleigh tomorrow night”, continued Mrs. Claus before attempting to reassure parents and children about receiving toys by Christmas morning, explaining that “Santa’s Holding Company, ToyTown LLC, is already negotiating with UPS, FedEx and USPS, and we’re confident the vast majority of toys will arrive on time.”
Mrs. Claus refused to answer any questions about Santa’s mental state, or whether Santa’s ban on Elves will be revoked, saying only, “There is some real tension between Santa and the Elves, but I don’t believe he meant even half of what he said, and we all remain hopeful that things can be resolved amicably.” Industry-watchers have for many years heard unsubstantiated rumors of Santa’s hostility toward Elves, and yesterday’s Twitter diatribe was not only an unprecedented outburst by Claus, but may have finally revealed the underlying source of his bitterness – an inability to father children of his own, a fact which Santa blamed on the Elves in a crude but blunt Tweet: “F**king Elves pissing everywhere have poisoned the groundwater supply – bastards made me sterile!!!!” It has long been considered ironic that the man who has dedicated his entire life to spreading joy and happiness to children through the manufacturing and delivery of toys would himself be childless, but Santa’s good-natured jolliness never showed signs of the obvious inner turmoil revealed in last night’s outburst on Twitter.
The entire world will be collectively holding their breath tomorrow night, hoping against hope to find gifts under the tree on Christmas morning. A spokesperson for Claus’s Cause has asked parents to donate all the milk and cookies intended for Santa to a charity of their own choosing. Both the DOW and NASDAQ financial exchanges are recovering slightly in afternoon trading on news that other delivery companies may be able to handle Santa’s inventory, while Government Officials in the Canadian Province of Nunavut are scrambling to erect refugee camps for the expected influx of Elves flooding southward. Follow The Times on Facebook for any breaking developments.
As 2015 draws to a rocky close, we here at The Grand River Times would like to wish all our readers a very Merry Christmas and a Happiest of New Years.