Joe’s Wooden Nickel Celebrates Owner’s 3rd Arrest With Special TGI DUI-Friday Event

wooden-nickel-storyAnyone looking for things to do in Grand Haven this weekend should check out Friday night’s special TGI DUI-Friday Extravaganza at Joe’s Wooden Nickel on Washington Street. To commemorate owner Joe Fairbairn’s second DUI-arrest in less than thirty days (and his third arrest since opening the popular nightspot earlier this year), the event will feature live music and an extended Happy Hour with half-price NyQuil shots. As reported in The Grand Haven Tribune, Fairbairn is using the famous ‘NyQuil Defense’ in his most recent DUI arrest, where he failed a breathalyzer test after being pulled over for speeding on Wednesday night. In a belief that the beloved and normally gregarious owner’s latest DUI-arrest is nothing but a crazy mix-up resulting from a severe head-cold, and considering that the cold & flu season is nearly upon us anyway, the Wooden Nickel will be offering half-price NyQuil shots from 6:00pm until closing on Friday night.

While many lawyers and legal scholars view the NyQuil Defense as little more than a direct legal descendant of the Dog-Ate-My-Homework Defense, NyQuil does in fact contain 25% alcohol. At the manufacturer’s recommended dosage of 2 tablespoons every 6 hours for adults, it would only require taking 6 times the recommended dosage (half of a large, 12-oz. bottle) in order to consume one shot of alcohol (1.5 oz.). Even Dr. Sanjay Gupta, Medical Correspondent for CNN, believes the NyQuil Defense can sometimes have merit. After studying a high-resolution copy of Fairbairn’s latest mug-shot, Dr. Gupta told The Times in a Skype call this afternoon that Fairbairn’s appearance does appear to show the classic symptoms of intense sinus congestion and debilitating sniffles. “It’s not unusual for people to think that if they take six or eight times the recommended dosage that their cold will go away six or eight times faster”, said Dr. Gupta, “But unfortunately, that’s a myth, and if you drink a 12-ounce bottle all at once, one that’s intended to last for three days, it’s like having a couple shots of whisky and then getting behind the wheel; there’s a good chance you’ll be over the legal limit.”

In what may or may not be a related development, famed defense lawyer Robert Shapiro was seen checking into a Grand Haven Bed & Breakfast this morning. Shapiro, who was co-counsel with Johnnie Cochran on O.J. Simpson’s defense ‘dream team’ in 1995, told a Times intern, “I booked this trip two months ago in order to visit the Tri-Cities Historical Museum and see the working replica of the Musical Fountain. But I did practically invent the NyQuil Defense, and I can tell you that any man or woman with a bad head cold, who drinks a little too much NyQuil and gets pulled over for speeding doesn’t usually get more than a slap on the wrist and a box of Kleenex. As Johnnie Cochran used to say, ‘If you sneeze quite a bit, they must acquit’.”

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  20 comments for “Joe’s Wooden Nickel Celebrates Owner’s 3rd Arrest With Special TGI DUI-Friday Event

  1. Laurie
    October 2, 2014 at 8:03 pm

    I can’t stop laughing! Too funny!!!

  2. Cie
    October 2, 2014 at 8:42 pm

    So funny!

  3. dave
    October 2, 2014 at 9:29 pm

    This is pathetic and sad. He’s a convicted felon, facing bankruptcy, DUI’s, lost multiple businesses, sexual harrassment lawsuits, etc, etc. DUI is not “funny”, it’s potentially deadly. He is king douche bag of west MI.

    • Scott
      October 3, 2014 at 12:58 pm

      Dave, You need to check your facts. Joe hasn’t been convicted of any felonies, and in the words of the wisest quote I have ever heard, “Let he is free of sin cast the first stone” Pretty sure it isn’t you Dave. This town has mercilessly torn away at the fabric of community by taking part in senseless rumor spreading and gossip. Being the victim of it myself, I can say whole heartedly, unless you were there and have evidence to the contrary, believe none of what you hear and half of what you see, because you don’t know crap. Start participating in building a sense of community instead of doing whatever you can to ruin people’s lives. We all make mistakes. Joe, please learn from yours and take care of yourself and your family brother. We finally have a decent restaurant that offers fair prices and good quality at the same time. I personally would hate for that to change. Let me know if you need anything Joe.


  4. Tom Eckels
    October 2, 2014 at 10:39 pm

    Kudos to the Grand River Times for having their fingers on the pulse of the community.

    Boy, I sure hope I never screw up majorly around here, the Christian contingent is merciless. Might as well just toss this poor guy into the lions den.

    • Joe wooden nickel
      October 2, 2014 at 11:32 pm

      OMG I am dying laughing! This is hilarious satire! Seriously! Thank you #sandidune.

      Way better writing then Becky at GH Tribune. BTW Becky has never called me one time to ask for a quote…..

      Sandi please stop in the Nickel this weekend and ask for me. You just earned a $100 gift card!! Can be applied to the Nickel NyQuil shot….. Enjoyed the article.

      Dave I have never been convicted my friend of a felony…. That said I may be up for a sexual harassment charge if YOU show up in that cute red dress again! Sipping our Naughty Nickel shot in that red
      dress…. MEOW!

      GH friends This Friday is “Becky Vargo, fish taco Friday!” Bring in a copy of her FB profile pic for me to autograph and you get a $20 gift card! One per person please….. 5pm-11:30pm. Or verification of your subscription cancellation to the Trib…. :),

      Serious note. I respect our local law enforcement. Good hard working folks that protect and serve. I also take very seriously these recent charges and have made personal life adjustments to deal with them. I am a father of 4 amazing kids and have twin grandkids that are perfect!! I have never been convicted of any crime friends.

      I’m just a small business owner who is lucky enough to work at the coolest place in our awesome town! Have an amazing group of employees I have the pleasure of working with!

      I do enjoy the good ribbing and humor! One thing I ask. My Kids are off limits and my employees. Cool? I can handle the rest and laugh about it!

      Come on in and try our food, ice cold drinks and the best live music & stage around!

      Wooden Nickel Joe.

      • October 3, 2014 at 12:07 am

        Thank you, Joe. We appreciate you weighing-in with a sense of humor, and giving us an ‘exclusive’ in your own words. Take THAT Tribune! And on a more personal note, please be assured that Sandi Dune isn’t the only one in our office whose mouth is watering at the thought of that fish taco from your great Chef and kitchen staff. Hard to imagine a better accompaniment to some NyQuil shots! Good luck to you (but we have Robert Shapiro’s email address if you need it).

      • October 3, 2014 at 12:35 am

        I enjoy the shitty writing comment most of all. This is obviously some one who’s read the onion once and thinks they’re clever.
        The ability to write well (Be it humorous or serious) is hard learned. I won’t attempt writing in much capacity (publicly) outside of this post. Because I am peticularilary not great at it, yet hold it in high regard.
        But please don’t pretend your the Onion when your clearly a twit who cannot write. regardless of style you should spend some time focusing on writing as a skill.
        Ripping some one is easy but doing it in writing, masturbation status, weakly…please go back to school. Or to school in general.
        Joe could use a lil props as some one who tried hard in our city walking in to a rough business.
        I’d reckon the business (restaurants in general) has crippled, ruined, made men out of, and just plain taken the wind out of a lot of people.
        This shat article took a short amount of time, from a person of short study and limited personal involvement with much in general I’d reckon.
        Just my shake at it.
        I’m not defending anything joe has or hasn’t done (less what I’d guess he put down stress wise opening that place, it would most likely break the best of you)
        But I will say this is a cartoon rep of witty writing all day.

        • October 3, 2014 at 1:13 am

          Whatever my unprofessional opinion is on the writing is the headline is pretty lights out.

        • tim
          October 3, 2014 at 2:23 pm


      • The Legend of Choom
        October 3, 2014 at 7:01 am

        Tell us Joe – Do you have access to guns? Inquiring minds want to know!

        Don’t wait around for BV to call for a quote, she’s can’t pull herself away from the police scanner long enough to do some real reporting – all for minimum wage. Perhaps you could offer her employment as a barmaid in exchange for some positive press.

      • Samson
        October 3, 2014 at 11:02 am

        Joe, good luck to you my friend, and with all this publicity you might need us back there on the doors… chad knows how to get ahold of us.. or if you need personal security.. lol with all this fame

    • Joe wooden nickel
      October 2, 2014 at 11:33 pm

      Appreciate the comment Tom….. Stop by the nickel sometime! Thanks


  5. bonechoke
    October 2, 2014 at 11:07 pm

    You guys are sick sick people!

  6. stewedbeaver
    October 3, 2014 at 1:45 am

    Aye Joe can’t wait to come down to the Nickel Friday night bro for some Nyquil shots haha love this man!! I think we have invented the newest hottest trending shots around, you must add this to the menu… ‘Nyquil Shot’…see ya tonight bro! Take Care oh and i will be in my sexy red dress with size 13 stilettos just for you lol!!

  7. anotha mutha
    October 3, 2014 at 9:50 am

    I do respect the law for keeping us safe but come on, The poor guy can’t even take nyquil and drive to work!! The saddest thing now is he will have to take Harbor Transit to get there. They even took his vehicle. Good Luck, Joe!!

  8. Dave Fox
    October 3, 2014 at 10:32 am

    The Serenity Prayer is the common name for a prayer authored by the American theologian Reinhold Niebuhr[1][2] (1892–1971). It has been adopted by Alcoholics Anonymous and other twelve-step programs. The best-known form is:

    God, grant Joe the serenity to accept the things he cannot change, The courage to change the things he can, And the wisdom to know the difference.

  9. Pizza Wizard
    October 3, 2014 at 11:48 pm

    As the pizza cook in Joe’s kitchen I can say that he is a fair, honest hard working man. While working in other kitchens I’ve seen owners who didn’t spend half the time or invest an iota of heart in their business when put beside Joe. We all make mistakes but I can say with not only certainty, but also pride that as far as owners go Joe is a cut above the rest. Good luck & safe travels Joe. See you at work this weekend! -P. Wizzard

  10. Scooter
    October 6, 2014 at 6:56 am

    Just curious…the reason for speeding to bar for fight? There was no fight! Just another excuse

  11. Negro Kintamas
    October 24, 2014 at 12:29 am

    ey b0ss can i habe pisa pls?

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